BetweenTruth&Denial

The End

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 05:32:47 GMT

This is the good bye.
thank u to those who cared
im sorry if my leaving depresses you...

i can't live in this world anymore

and its at this end that i feel i can finally confess...
i love you... i always have... but you never loved me back... even your sympathy kiss felt empty (no i havent gotten over that - and i'm no longer going to live in the past)
i thought we could be happy together - but i was wrong

goodbye

take care

dont follow this lead

this is the last time you will ever hear from me - sorry to burden your lives. i never meant to fuck everything/everyone up

view my life as a lesson - dont go there

xPierre

Something

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 01:19:33 GMT

i've officially given up on trying to care
and my apathy will now be my own

True of Strangers

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 00:44:38 GMT

its been kinda weird of late
jaime has been as beautiful as he can be - but i do know the value of a fake smile
and he struck a chord with me the other nite - he really knows me. more so than i thought.
i always knew that he knew me more than i do... but he REALLY knows me
he gave me the coolest picture that he painted

and i even picked up a brush myself...

somewhere in my deep boredom that is wendy's lecture... i finished writing a song.... including a cute piano riff.. and a lil violin.
here's the lyrics

i watch you walk away
and i'm used to this feeling
you're just another cute stranger
who left without an introduction

someone broke my rear view mirror
so i thank whoever that kinda stranger is
he helped me to never look back
or i'd be sad to see you go

it's you cute strangers
who give me hope
and who break my heart
it's you kind strangers
who make me smile
and who shatter my dreams
it's so true of strangers, anonymous strangers

sometimes i will gain the courage to say 'hi'
but that is even more rare than our eye-contact
yet i still watch you interesting stranger
i watch you all alone

it's you interesting strangers
who i look down on
and who belittle me
it's you sweet strangers
who make me welcome
and who ostracise me
its so true of strangers, anonymous strangers

Scissor Sisters

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 05:05:14 GMT

soo...
good vibrations was on saturday
scissor sisters rocked!
del is sooo cute
the end.

xP

Little White Crocodile

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 02:14:48 GMT

on tuesday i said goodbye to alicia - that was sad

and LAST NITE WAS AWESOME
alcohol + pill + pot + new friends = fun!
on a lil bit of a downer.. i ran into jaime's sister...
i dont remember exactly what i said to her - nor what she said to me. but the term "bad influence" was used to describe me.... and she also gave me a look...

and just then while walking to this here lab... i ran into brad... he called me "strange" numerous times....

so - i'm starting to think that maybe i'm not so normal...

xP

Rufus Wainwright

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 06:15:33 GMT

we saw him
and his family
it was soo beautiful

*sigh*

xP

Sympathetic Lesbian

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 01:05:10 GMT

here's a song i wrote last week or whenever
its largely inspired by kate
but myself seemed to be more than just in it
and i think it has a universal feel to it
the only music i've written for it is on my coconut - i need a piano
here are the lyrics:

we have beautiful fake smiles
to hide our depression
acting completely uninhibited
we cover our shyness
say we're having a party
just to grab another drink

we speak in the most vulgar way
coz it covers our insecurities
standing out from the crowd
we desperately want acceptance
say we love your lives
instead of saying we're lonely

we are sympathetic lesbians
and we need a hug
we are sympathetic lesbians
and we need your love

we wear black clothing
to overlay our bright underwear
our big wide eyes
can't see our dry tears
we have large thick bracelets
and they do cover the scars

but we found each other
and we will stick together
as we love each other
and will stay like this forever

we are sympathetic lesbians
and we need a hug
we are sympathetic lesbians
and we need your love

we are sympathetic lesbians
and we need your help
we are sympathetic lesbians
and we need - oh how we need

but we found each other
and we will stick together
as we love each other
and will stay like this forever

we are sympathetic lesbians
and we need a hug
we are sympathetic lesbians
and we need your love

Off My Chest

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 00:31:28 GMT

every nite is a drinking nite
and every nite i seem to only be digging deeper into this depression
last weeks embarassing 3 "attempts" in 24hrs kinda was the lowest point so far.
after a phone call stopped my wrists for being gone
and my belt broke around my neck
and i took panadol with those other pills (possibly the dumbest)
i ended up crying in kates arms - oh how she heals

and now i have this beautiful "suicide wound" patch on my wrist.

enter ed.
he's back at the coast only visiting for a few days
and it was soo fun to hang out with him last nite
and so i got drunk
and i confessed.
EVERYTHING i know about my real father
and oh how it feels so wierd to have said it to someone
we're not even that close
and then once i got home - i tryed calling people - i NEEDED to talk to someone - yet noone was there for me...

xP

1000 Words

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 03:50:27 GMT

Who?

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 11:32:39 GMT

umm
i think i should do a lil catchup
but i'm kinda not going to
instead i'll just put in lil bits of interesting

tuesday:
i cut and coloured my hair
and mps was horrible
i saw james
he kissed me - the kind of sympathy kiss only people who dont like suicide give u

all the rest is a drunken blur

until last nite
another failed attempt - fuck that phone

xP

Alanis Morissette - Still

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 01:41:20 GMT

I am the harm which you inflict
I am your brilliance and frustration
I am the nuclear bombs if they're to hit
I am your immaturity and your indignance
I am your misfits and your praised
I am doubt and your conviction
I am your charity and your rape
I am your grasping an expectation

I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on war
I see you ignoring your children
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your joy and your regret
I am your fury and your elation
I am your yearning and your sweat
I am your faithless and your religion

I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
and I love you still
and I love you still

Haya...haya...haya...haya...

Poetic

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 12:32:59 GMT

in conversation to jaime - on msn
i was going to say this - then i realised its too poetic
so here it is - kinda changed a lil

this is me raising my hand
saying look at me for once
this is me front row center
saying feel for my story
this is me under the spotlight
saying hear my emotions
this is me as a friend telling u simply
i'm fucked up and i need help

BetweenRebirth&Death

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 00:50:25 GMT

its kinda funny
ironic even
that everything ALWAYS ends up nothing like how u planned it

even at my lowest points i still see that there is beauty in this world.
simple beauty. the type that doesnt judge
the type that isnt human and wont fuck me over

but then...
today as i was walking around this most beautiful campus
i saw that they were painting a wall
the wall was already perfect and beautiful - but for some that's not enough

here's my current contemplation.
perfection is only temporary
so why arent i living every moment enjoying it for its simple beauty
i wont be young forever
i wont forever have this beautiful energy

i can so easily exit this "cruel" world at any point
yet im living
by choice

i woke this morn with the ultimatum;
either get out of bed and have a shower and enjoy my day
or burn myself

i actually decided on a compromise
burning after my shower.
but then it happened
that simple beauty

my coconut soap.
it elevates this horrible spirit in my soo much

and now i'm vowing to never even think about my suicidal tendencies
and to never post my negative

xP

Biology Poem

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 04:32:56 GMT

yesterday i wrote a lil poem during bio psyc. its strongly based on descartes theories... and i had no intention of making it sound erotic - but to someone unlearned in the history of biological psyc it may appear that way.
this was just a way for me to remember this stuff - and also get some positive emotions flowing through me.
to summarise - its about a friend who i consider to be possibly the best friend i have ever had - yet at the same time a kinda i feel our relationship is far from how i view it. i'm just sick of fighting with people who i love. and this poem was kinda a like a big "thank u" to him for meaning so much to me - even though i mean soo much less to him.
i never intended on putting it up here - it was more like a lil cute psyc thing. but after recent events and me being too cowardly to say "sorry for whatever i've done" in person - this is the next best thing.

you are my pineal gland
there is only one of you
and i sleep better with you by my side

you are the vital spirit
controlled by my senses
you flow through my veins

but we're not robots - no hydrolics
we think and feel at will or not
and i think i can feel our axons touching

MY Lead

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 01:21:56 GMT

ok so..
yesterday after me posting i had a request to remove some information out of my livejournal.
FUCK OFF
i REFUSE to live in denial of my experiences - including the ones that i didnt like in the first place.
this is MY livejournal - THIS is the ONLY place that I actually play the LEAD ROLE.
if YOU do something that YOU dont want ME to see - DO NOT do it in front of me.
is it too much to ask that i tell a story of my experiences without being inhibited??
keeping in mind that NOT ALL of this journal is firmly based on reality, and has a strong bias towards my mania states.

in other news... last nite before "the life of the party" arrived at kate's for some drinkings, and before any sms was recieved; he nearly made a tear fall.
although his abnormal inability to cry prevents this extreme form of emotion - his depression had kicked in.
alanis's song "offer" had enough of his emotions in it to bring his own out.
so in the shower - he tryed to release his emotions in tears.
yet that block was there - and he just couldnt cry.
instead he felt his emotions just get deeper and deeper - and if it werent for the thought of his own selfishness - he wouldnt have made it out of that room that nite - and also he lacked harmful pills and sharp knives.

and so today - he'll once again resort to alcohol to solve his problems and help him accept the fact that he is ONLY THE BEST supporting player.

xP

Back

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 07:32:24 GMT

Since i've been back my life has been great.
i've been drinking a lot and just having fun with cool people.

i'm not going to go into details of the last few days - but they were a lot of fun thanks to a few people: jaime, kate, nick, jarrad

i love how i return to what i started with last year - kate and jaime.
they are my security here and i love them to death

mps last nite - it hasnt changed an inch.
but i'm soo over it that i can now just be inhibited and have fun - its not like there's anyone there to try to impress, except mikhael was really cute last nite - but he's not interested

and then there was marc....
it breaks my heart to see him cry - especially over someone so unworthy
he just looks soo fragile...
he saw jaime kiss jarrad.. and that didnt go down well... i followed him into the bathroom and held him... his small frame sobbing feels like it could break too easily... then he kissed me... i laughed and told him it's not going to help... he kinda lauged in agreeance... more tears... shattered glass... and then i couldn't try to help him anymore... he ran out of the bathroom...
not long later he and jaime went upstairs and talked - i dont know what about - but at least after that he stopped lying to me when i asked if he were ok.

i dont understand how someone as beautiful as him can be single.

but right now i'm happy playing the supporting role in everyone else's lives.... i'll just step back and wait till one day when i can play the lead... maybe

xP

Ha ha

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 11:44:48 GMT

im alive

and kicking

strongly kicking

i need a hug
a real one

im sick of ppl telling me that im soo wanted
if i was so wanted - why am i always alone?
why do i get into physical relationships with the ugly ones?

is it too much to ask for someone who's cute and fun and knows who freud is?????

fuck i'm pathetic

hahahahahahahahaha
i have to laugh at me

xP

So You Say...

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 11:17:12 GMT

thank u too everyone who replyed to my last post
but really: as if ur going to say "ur right; i dont care - bubye"

on a totally random note:
in my christmas cracker (or bon-bon) i got a "pill-box"
no joke.
a lil box for pills.

oh - my family think i'm an alcoholic and am a heavy drug user
if only they knew the truth

xP

'Tis The Season

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 01:56:01 GMT

what's the point of going somewhere if u have no way to prove u were there?
sure, memmories are great - but they do fade - and one will soon forget if the experience was ever good or bad.

that was my theory anyways.
add that to the fact that i never wanted to kill myself when i'm depressed - just coz i never wanted someone else to win.

so at the age of 14 i started to hurt myself whenever i was depressed - the main reason was to leave a scar - nothing perminate, just something that will last a few months to remind me that things do get better.

i would get tea-light candles - or any other form of small candle that gets hot enough to burn skin - and i would just sit one on my flesh. mainly areas of my chest or wrists. (i had a scar in the center of my chest for a couple of years.)

the way it works is - u sit the candle on yourself - and then u light it - then u have time to just lay there and think. after a while the little metal cup thing the candle is in gets really hot. u lay there in ur thoughts and there's hot metal against ur skin - after a while it starts to burn. so u just lay there until the physical pain outways the emotion shit that is going thru ur head - that's when u remove the candle. of course there will be blisters and bleeding - but that's what u learn.

i hadnt done this since i was 15. kirra's suicide kinda woke me up.

but then this year i learnt what happiness is. until this year i've never had anything to contrast my depression to. maybe its coz i'm bipolar or something -but i love my ups and my downs just dont seem worth it.

and on thursday i was at my worst - everyone around me had planned my life - and no matter what i said or did, i didnt have a choice in what i was going to do. add that to my normal rockhampton depression, my total lack of friends and that fact that i'm a total drama queen - and we had a nice little neat fucked up kid.

luckily i had the house to myself and i was able to burn in peace. but this time i noticed that i was burning for a long time. i got to the stage of bleeding. and i was searching for a reason to stop my wrist from bleeding. then it came to me.

there are a few (4 to be exact) people who i really care about - granted that they most likely wouldnt give a fuck if i died... but still... this is about me - not them.

and then with a tissue stopping my wrist from bleeding - i smsed jaime with a "thank u for saving my life" type sms. the other people i need to thank in person - just coz i dont think they understand me as well.

and that's the end of my happy lil story

i will be returing to bond - and i will live through this.

i just hope that noone noticed my wrist - and hopefully the marks will be gone soon.

xP

No

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 08:55:15 GMT

i'm not going to post - coz i'm not in a stable mood right now

i'm in rocky

if i don't post again before new year assume that i finally ended it all (in some way)

xP

One Man Guy

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 12:14:10 GMT

People will know when they see this show,
The kind of guy I am.
They'll recognize just what I stand for,
And what I just can't stand.
They'll perceive what I believe in,
and what I know is true.
They'll recognize I'm a one-man guy,
Always was, through & through.

People meditate, hey that's just great,
Trying to find the inner you.
People depend on family and friends,
And other folks to pull them through.
I don't know why I'm a one-man guy,
Or why I'm a one-man show.
But these three cubic feet of bone and blood and meat
Are all I love and know.

Cause I'm a one-man guy in the morning
Same in the afternoon.
One-man guy when the sun goes down,
I whistle me a one-man tune.
One-man guy, one-man guy,
Only kinda guy to be
I'm a one-man guy, I'm a one-man guy
And the one-man guy, is me

I'm gonna bathe and shave and dress myself,
And eat solo every night.
Unplug the phone, sleep alone,
Stay way out of sight.
Sure it's kinda lonely,
Yeah it's sort of sick.
Being your own one and only
Is a dirty selfish trick.

Cause I'm a one-man guy in the morning
Same in the afternoon.
One-man guy when the sun goes down,
I whistle me a one-man tune.
One-man guy, one-man guy,
Only kinda guy to be
I'm a one-man guy, I'm a one-man guy
And the one-man guy, is me

Holidays Have Begun

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 16:14:05 GMT

i'm now officially on holidays
i've done all my exams
and 10mins ago i finished my last assignment

a lil catchup:

the last few days have been study and exams

but i've spent a lil bit of time with shane
its wierd - i'm not sexually attracted to him
he's got a great personality
and he's beautifully down to earth
and his lips are just amazingly gorgeous
but despite what my unconscious thinks - i'm not sexually attracted to him

we saw the movie "saw"
he liked it - i didnt
it was VERY predictable

and uumm... i'm out of news...
shane's the only non-study thing that has happened to me lately

oh - its amazing the amount of people in the computer labs right now - all with bad hair and bags under their eyes
sleep deprivation is soo funny

xP

Beautiful Life

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 02:51:28 GMT

You can do what you want just seize the day
What you're doing tomorrow's gonna come your way
Don't you ever consider giving up
You will find, oh oh oh

It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
I just wanna be here beside you

And stay until the break of dawn

Take a walk in the park when you feel down
There's so many things there that's gonna lift you up
See the nature in bloom, a laughing child
Such a dream, oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
I just wanna be here beside you

I just wanna be here beside you
And stay until the break of dawn

You're looking for somewhere to belong
You're standing all alone
For someone to guide you on your way
Now and forever
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
I just wanna be here beside you

I just wanna be anybody

We're living in different ways
It's a beautiful life
I'm gonna take you to a place
I've never been before oh yeah
It's a beautiful life
I'm gonna take you in my arms and fly away
With you tonight
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
I just wanna be here beside you

Needles

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 06:57:55 GMT

mondays exam was horrible
wendy wan cant even write an exam in proper english

i got my tragus pierced on tuesday nite
my piercer rocks
and went clubbing.. same old story

and i slept all of wednesday

and today i got my first tattoo

yet i still cant find the energy to do these outstanding assignments

xP

Question Me

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 03:52:52 GMT

Ask me about procrastination.
seriously.
i know a lot.