urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol sometimes the illusion is more REAL Paul/Pierre 2005-02-23T05:33:35Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:21450 2005-02-23T05:32:47Z 2005-02-23T05:33:35Z This is the good bye.<br />thank u to those who cared<br />im sorry if my leaving depresses you...<br /><br />i can't live in this world anymore<br /><br />and its at this end that i feel i can finally confess...<br />i love you... i always have... but you never loved me back... even your sympathy kiss felt empty (no i havent gotten over that - and i'm no longer going to live in the past)<br />i thought we could be happy together - but i was wrong<br /><br />goodbye<br /><br />take care<br /><br />dont follow this lead<br /><br />this is the last time you will ever hear from me - sorry to burden your lives. i never meant to fuck everything/everyone up<br /><br />view my life as a lesson - dont go there<br /><br />xPierre urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:21164 2005-02-17T01:19:33Z 2005-02-17T01:19:33Z Madonna - Die Another Day i've officially given up on trying to care<br />and my apathy will now be my own urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:20883 2005-02-16T00:44:38Z 2005-02-16T00:44:38Z its been kinda weird of late<br />jaime has been as beautiful as he can be - but i do know the value of a fake smile<br />and he struck a chord with me the other nite - he really knows me. more so than i thought.<br />i always knew that he knew me more than i do... but he REALLY knows me<br />he gave me the coolest picture that he painted<br /><br />and i even picked up a brush myself...<br /><br />somewhere in my deep boredom that is wendy's lecture... i finished writing a song.... including a cute piano riff.. and a lil violin.<br />here's the lyrics<br /><br /><br /><br />i watch you walk away<br />and i'm used to this feeling<br />you're just another cute stranger<br />who left without an introduction<br /><br />someone broke my rear view mirror<br />so i thank whoever that kinda stranger is<br />he helped me to never look back<br />or i'd be sad to see you go<br /><br />it's you cute strangers<br />who give me hope<br />and who break my heart<br />it's you kind strangers<br />who make me smile<br />and who shatter my dreams<br />it's so true of strangers, anonymous strangers<br /><br />sometimes i will gain the courage to say 'hi'<br />but that is even more rare than our eye-contact<br />yet i still watch you interesting stranger<br />i watch you all alone<br /><br />it's you interesting strangers<br />who i look down on<br />and who belittle me<br />it's you sweet strangers<br />who make me welcome<br />and who ostracise me<br />its so true of strangers, anonymous strangers urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:20495 2005-02-15T05:05:14Z 2005-02-15T05:05:14Z soo...<br />good vibrations was on saturday<br />scissor sisters rocked!<br />del is sooo cute<br />the end.<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:20384 2005-02-11T02:14:48Z 2005-02-11T02:14:48Z on tuesday i said goodbye to alicia - that was sad<br /><br />and LAST NITE WAS AWESOME<br />alcohol + pill + pot + new friends = fun!<br />on a lil bit of a downer.. i ran into jaime's sister...<br />i dont remember exactly what i said to her - nor what she said to me. but the term "bad influence" was used to describe me.... and she also gave me a look...<br /><br />and just then while walking to this here lab... i ran into brad... he called me "strange" numerous times....<br /><br />so - i'm starting to think that maybe i'm not so normal...<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:20074 2005-02-07T06:15:33Z 2005-02-07T06:15:33Z we saw him<br />and his family<br />it was soo beautiful<br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:19964 2005-02-03T01:05:10Z 2005-02-03T01:05:10Z here's a song i wrote last week or whenever<br />its largely inspired by kate<br />but myself seemed to be more than just in it<br />and i think it has a universal feel to it<br />the only music i've written for it is on my coconut - i need a piano<br />here are the lyrics:<br /><br /><br /><br />we have beautiful fake smiles<br />to hide our depression<br />acting completely uninhibited<br />we cover our shyness<br />say we're having a party<br />just to grab another drink<br /><br />we speak in the most vulgar way<br />coz it covers our insecurities<br />standing out from the crowd<br />we desperately want acceptance<br />say we love your lives<br />instead of saying we're lonely<br /><br />we are sympathetic lesbians<br />and we need a hug<br />we are sympathetic lesbians<br />and we need your love<br /><br />we wear black clothing<br />to overlay our bright underwear<br />our big wide eyes<br />can't see our dry tears<br />we have large thick bracelets<br />and they do cover the scars<br /><br />but we found each other<br />and we will stick together<br />as we love each other<br />and will stay like this forever<br /><br />we are sympathetic lesbians<br />and we need a hug<br />we are sympathetic lesbians<br />and we need your love<br /><br />we are sympathetic lesbians<br />and we need your help<br />we are sympathetic lesbians<br />and we need - oh how we need<br /><br />but we found each other<br />and we will stick together<br />as we love each other<br />and will stay like this forever<br /><br />we are sympathetic lesbians<br />and we need a hug<br />we are sympathetic lesbians<br />and we need your love urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:19629 2005-02-02T00:31:28Z 2005-02-02T00:31:28Z Alanis Morissette - Ironic every nite is a drinking nite<br />and every nite i seem to only be digging deeper into this depression<br />last weeks embarassing 3 "attempts" in 24hrs kinda was the lowest point so far.<br />after a phone call stopped my wrists for being gone<br />and my belt broke around my neck<br />and i took panadol with those other pills (possibly the dumbest)<br />i ended up crying in kates arms - oh how she heals<br /><br />and now i have this beautiful "suicide wound" patch on my wrist.<br /><br />enter ed.<br />he's back at the coast only visiting for a few days<br />and it was soo fun to hang out with him last nite<br />and so i got drunk<br />and i confessed.<br />EVERYTHING i know about my real father<br />and oh how it feels so wierd to have said it to someone<br />we're not even that close<br />and then once i got home - i tryed calling people - i NEEDED to talk to someone - yet noone was there for me...<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:19411 2005-01-31T03:50:27Z 2005-02-01T04:49:26Z <img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/prawol/Simple%20Beauty%2030Jan05/6e61c813.jpg" alt="1000 Words" /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:18950 2005-01-28T11:32:39Z 2005-01-28T11:32:39Z umm<br />i think i should do a lil catchup<br />but i'm kinda not going to<br />instead i'll just put in lil bits of interesting<br /><br />tuesday:<br />i cut and coloured my hair<br />and mps was horrible<br />i saw james<br />he kissed me - the kind of sympathy kiss only people who dont like suicide give u<br /><br />all the rest is a drunken blur<br /><br />until last nite<br />another failed attempt - fuck that phone<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:18848 2005-01-27T01:41:20Z 2005-01-27T01:41:20Z Alanis Morissette - Still I am the harm which you inflict<br />I am your brilliance and frustration<br />I am the nuclear bombs if they're to hit<br />I am your immaturity and your indignance<br />I am your misfits and your praised<br />I am doubt and your conviction<br />I am your charity and your rape<br />I am your grasping an expectation<br /><br />I see you averting your glances<br />I see you cheering on war<br />I see you ignoring your children<br />And I love you still<br />And I love you still<br /><br />I am your joy and your regret<br />I am your fury and your elation<br />I am your yearning and your sweat<br />I am your faithless and your religion<br /><br />I see you altering history<br />I see you abusing the land<br />I see you and your selective amnesia<br />and I love you still<br />and I love you still<br /><br />Haya...haya...haya...haya... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:18521 2005-01-24T12:32:59Z 2005-01-24T12:32:59Z in conversation to jaime - on msn<br />i was going to say this - then i realised its too poetic<br />so here it is - kinda changed a lil<br /><br />this is me raising my hand<br />saying look at me for once<br />this is me front row center <br />saying feel for my story<br />this is me under the spotlight<br />saying hear my emotions<br />this is me as a friend telling u simply<br />i'm fucked up and i need help urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:18420 2005-01-24T00:50:25Z 2005-01-24T00:50:25Z Alanis Morissette - So Pure its kinda funny<br />ironic even<br />that everything ALWAYS ends up nothing like how u planned it<br /><br />even at my lowest points i still see that there is beauty in this world.<br />simple beauty. the type that doesnt judge<br />the type that isnt human and wont fuck me over<br /><br />but then...<br />today as i was walking around this most beautiful campus<br />i saw that they were painting a wall<br />the wall was already perfect and beautiful - but for some that's not enough<br /><br />here's my current contemplation.<br />perfection is only temporary<br />so why arent i living every moment enjoying it for its simple beauty<br />i wont be young forever<br />i wont forever have this beautiful energy<br /><br />i can so easily exit this "cruel" world at any point<br />yet im living<br />by choice<br /><br />i woke this morn with the ultimatum;<br />either get out of bed and have a shower and enjoy my day<br />or burn myself<br /><br />i actually decided on a compromise<br />burning after my shower.<br />but then it happened<br />that simple beauty<br /><br />my coconut soap.<br />it elevates this horrible spirit in my soo much<br /><br />and now i'm vowing to never even think about my suicidal tendencies<br />and to never post my negative<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:18067 2005-01-21T04:32:56Z 2005-01-21T04:32:56Z Alanis Morissette - Not The Doctor yesterday i wrote a lil poem during bio psyc. its strongly based on descartes theories... and i had no intention of making it sound erotic - but to someone unlearned in the history of biological psyc it may appear that way.<br />this was just a way for me to remember this stuff - and also get some positive emotions flowing through me.<br />to summarise - its about a friend who i consider to be possibly the best friend i have ever had - yet at the same time a kinda i feel our relationship is far from how i view it. i'm just sick of fighting with people who i love. and this poem was kinda a like a big "thank u" to him for meaning so much to me - even though i mean soo much less to him.<br />i never intended on putting it up here - it was more like a lil cute psyc thing. but after recent events and me being too cowardly to say "sorry for whatever i've done" in person - this is the next best thing.<br /><br /><br />you are my pineal gland<br />there is only one of you<br />and i sleep better with you by my side<br /><br />you are the vital spirit<br />controlled by my senses<br />you flow through my veins<br /><br />but we're not robots - no hydrolics<br />we think and feel at will or not<br />and i think i can feel our axons touching urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:17764 2005-01-20T01:21:56Z 2005-01-20T01:21:56Z ok so..<br />yesterday after me posting i had a request to remove some information out of my livejournal.<br />FUCK OFF<br />i REFUSE to live in denial of my experiences - including the ones that i didnt like in the first place.<br />this is MY livejournal - THIS is the ONLY place that I actually play the LEAD ROLE.<br />if YOU do something that YOU dont want ME to see - DO NOT do it in front of me.<br />is it too much to ask that i tell a story of my experiences without being inhibited??<br />keeping in mind that NOT ALL of this journal is firmly based on reality, and has a strong bias towards my mania states.<br /><br />in other news... last nite before "the life of the party" arrived at kate's for some drinkings, and before any sms was recieved; he nearly made a tear fall.<br />although his abnormal inability to cry prevents this extreme form of emotion - his depression had kicked in.<br />alanis's song "offer" had enough of his emotions in it to bring his own out.<br />so in the shower - he tryed to release his emotions in tears.<br />yet that block was there - and he just couldnt cry.<br />instead he felt his emotions just get deeper and deeper - and if it werent for the thought of his own selfishness - he wouldnt have made it out of that room that nite - and also he lacked harmful pills and sharp knives.<br /><br />and so today - he'll once again resort to alcohol to solve his problems and help him accept the fact that he is ONLY THE BEST supporting player.<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:17483 2005-01-19T07:32:24Z 2005-01-19T07:32:24Z Alanis Morissette - King Of Pain Since i've been back my life has been great.<br />i've been drinking a lot and just having fun with cool people.<br /><br />i'm not going to go into details of the last few days - but they were a lot of fun thanks to a few people: jaime, kate, nick, jarrad<br /><br />i love how i return to what i started with last year - kate and jaime.<br />they are my security here and i love them to death<br /><br />mps last nite - it hasnt changed an inch.<br />but i'm soo over it that i can now just be inhibited and have fun - its not like there's anyone there to try to impress, except mikhael was really cute last nite - but he's not interested<br /><br />and then there was marc....<br />it breaks my heart to see him cry - especially over someone so unworthy<br />he just looks soo fragile...<br />he saw jaime kiss jarrad.. and that didnt go down well... i followed him into the bathroom and held him... his small frame sobbing feels like it could break too easily... then he kissed me... i laughed and told him it's not going to help... he kinda lauged in agreeance... more tears... shattered glass... and then i couldn't try to help him anymore... he ran out of the bathroom...<br />not long later he and jaime went upstairs and talked - i dont know what about - but at least after that he stopped lying to me when i asked if he were ok.<br /><br />i dont understand how someone as beautiful as him can be single.<br /><br />but right now i'm happy playing the supporting role in everyone else's lives.... i'll just step back and wait till one day when i can play the lead... maybe<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:17251 2005-01-12T11:44:48Z 2005-01-12T11:44:48Z im alive<br /><br />and kicking<br /><br />strongly kicking<br /><br /><br />i need a hug<br />a real one<br /><br />im sick of ppl telling me that im soo wanted<br />if i was so wanted - why am i always alone?<br />why do i get into physical relationships with the ugly ones?<br /><br />is it too much to ask for someone who's cute and fun and knows who freud is?????<br /><br />fuck i'm pathetic<br /><br />hahahahahahahahaha<br />i have to laugh at me<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:17005 2004-12-27T11:17:12Z 2004-12-27T11:17:12Z thank u too everyone who replyed to my last post<br />but really: as if ur going to say "ur right; i dont care - bubye"<br /><br />on a totally random note:<br />in my christmas cracker (or bon-bon) i got a "pill-box"<br />no joke.<br />a lil box for pills.<br /><br />oh - my family think i'm an alcoholic and am a heavy drug user<br />if only they knew the truth<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:16765 2004-12-26T01:56:01Z 2004-12-26T01:56:01Z what's the point of going somewhere if u have no way to prove u were there?<br />sure, memmories are great - but they do fade - and one will soon forget if the experience was ever good or bad.<br /><br />that was my theory anyways.<br />add that to the fact that i never wanted to kill myself when i'm depressed - just coz i never wanted someone else to win.<br /><br />so at the age of 14 i started to hurt myself whenever i was depressed - the main reason was to leave a scar - nothing perminate, just something that will last a few months to remind me that things do get better.<br /><br />i would get tea-light candles - or any other form of small candle that gets hot enough to burn skin - and i would just sit one on my flesh. mainly areas of my chest or wrists. (i had a scar in the center of my chest for a couple of years.)<br /><br />the way it works is - u sit the candle on yourself - and then u light it - then u have time to just lay there and think. after a while the little metal cup thing the candle is in gets really hot. u lay there in ur thoughts and there's hot metal against ur skin - after a while it starts to burn. so u just lay there until the physical pain outways the emotion shit that is going thru ur head - that's when u remove the candle. of course there will be blisters and bleeding - but that's what u learn.<br /><br />i hadnt done this since i was 15. kirra's suicide kinda woke me up.<br /><br />but then this year i learnt what happiness is. until this year i've never had anything to contrast my depression to. maybe its coz i'm bipolar or something -but i love my ups and my downs just dont seem worth it.<br /><br />and on thursday i was at my worst - everyone around me had planned my life - and no matter what i said or did, i didnt have a choice in what i was going to do. add that to my normal rockhampton depression, my total lack of friends and that fact that i'm a total drama queen - and we had a nice little neat fucked up kid.<br /><br />luckily i had the house to myself and i was able to burn in peace. but this time i noticed that i was burning for a long time. i got to the stage of bleeding. and i was searching for a reason to stop my wrist from bleeding. then it came to me.<br /><br />there are a few (4 to be exact) people who i really care about - granted that they most likely wouldnt give a fuck if i died... but still... this is about me - not them.<br /><br />and then with a tissue stopping my wrist from bleeding - i smsed jaime with a "thank u for saving my life" type sms. the other people i need to thank in person - just coz i dont think they understand me as well.<br /><br />and that's the end of my happy lil story<br /><br />i will be returing to bond - and i will live through this.<br /><br />i just hope that noone noticed my wrist - and hopefully the marks will be gone soon.<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:16583 2004-12-23T08:55:15Z 2004-12-23T08:55:15Z Rufus Wainwright - Hometown Waltz i'm not going to post - coz i'm not in a stable mood right now<br /><br />i'm in rocky<br /><br />if i don't post again before new year assume that i finally ended it all (in some way)<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:16272 2004-12-15T12:14:10Z 2004-12-15T12:14:10Z Rufus Wainwright - One Man Guy People will know when they see this show,<br />The kind of guy I am.<br />They'll recognize just what I stand for,<br />And what I just can't stand.<br />They'll perceive what I believe in,<br />and what I know is true.<br />They'll recognize I'm a one-man guy,<br />Always was, through & through.<br /><br />People meditate, hey that's just great,<br />Trying to find the inner you.<br />People depend on family and friends,<br />And other folks to pull them through.<br />I don't know why I'm a one-man guy,<br />Or why I'm a one-man show.<br />But these three cubic feet of bone and blood and meat<br />Are all I love and know.<br /><br />Cause I'm a one-man guy in the morning<br />Same in the afternoon.<br />One-man guy when the sun goes down,<br />I whistle me a one-man tune.<br />One-man guy, one-man guy,<br />Only kinda guy to be<br />I'm a one-man guy, I'm a one-man guy<br />And the one-man guy, is me<br /><br />I'm gonna bathe and shave and dress myself,<br />And eat solo every night.<br />Unplug the phone, sleep alone,<br />Stay way out of sight.<br />Sure it's kinda lonely,<br />Yeah it's sort of sick.<br />Being your own one and only<br />Is a dirty selfish trick.<br /><br />Cause I'm a one-man guy in the morning<br />Same in the afternoon.<br />One-man guy when the sun goes down,<br />I whistle me a one-man tune.<br />One-man guy, one-man guy,<br />Only kinda guy to be<br />I'm a one-man guy, I'm a one-man guy<br />And the one-man guy, is me urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:15953 2004-12-13T16:14:05Z 2004-12-13T16:14:05Z i'm now officially on holidays<br />i've done all my exams<br />and 10mins ago i finished my last assignment<br /><br />a lil catchup:<br /><br />the last few days have been study and exams<br /><br />but i've spent a lil bit of time with shane<br />its wierd - i'm not sexually attracted to him<br />he's got a great personality<br />and he's beautifully down to earth<br />and his lips are just amazingly gorgeous<br />but despite what my unconscious thinks - i'm not sexually attracted to him<br /><br />we saw the movie "saw"<br />he liked it - i didnt<br />it was VERY predictable<br /><br />and uumm... i'm out of news...<br />shane's the only non-study thing that has happened to me lately<br /><br />oh - its amazing the amount of people in the computer labs right now - all with bad hair and bags under their eyes<br />sleep deprivation is soo funny<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:15765 2004-12-13T02:51:28Z 2004-12-13T02:51:28Z Ace of Base - Beautiful Life You can do what you want just seize the day<br />What you're doing tomorrow's gonna come your way<br />Don't you ever consider giving up<br />You will find, oh oh oh<br /><br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />I just wanna be here beside you<br /><br />And stay until the break of dawn<br /><br />Take a walk in the park when you feel down<br />There's so many things there that's gonna lift you up<br />See the nature in bloom, a laughing child<br />Such a dream, oh oh oh<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />I just wanna be here beside you<br /><br />I just wanna be here beside you<br />And stay until the break of dawn<br /><br />You're looking for somewhere to belong<br />You're standing all alone<br />For someone to guide you on your way<br />Now and forever<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />I just wanna be here beside you<br /><br />I just wanna be anybody<br /><br />We're living in different ways<br />It's a beautiful life<br />I'm gonna take you to a place<br />I've never been before oh yeah<br />It's a beautiful life<br />I'm gonna take you in my arms and fly away<br />With you tonight<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh<br />I just wanna be here beside you urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:15371 2004-12-09T06:57:55Z 2004-12-09T06:57:55Z mondays exam was horrible<br />wendy wan cant even write an exam in proper english<br /><br />i got my tragus pierced on tuesday nite<br />my piercer rocks<br />and went clubbing.. same old story<br /><br />and i slept all of wednesday<br /><br />and today i got my first tattoo<br /><br />yet i still cant find the energy to do these outstanding assignments<br /><br />xP urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prawol:15244 2004-12-05T03:52:52Z 2004-12-05T03:52:52Z Rufus Wainwright - Hometown Waltz Ask me about procrastination.<br />seriously.<br />i know a lot.